Remember that Lyn-Lake Fest? Uh… Yeah, I Somewhat Do.

24 May

Well this has been a long time coming, but if you want to know the story of how I ended up knocking someone’s teeth out a few weekends ago, then by all means stay tuned.

It all began on a gloriously beautiful Sunday afternoon. The sun was shining (a veritable rarity for Minneapolis at that time) and there was a nice street festival going on. The Lyn-Lake street fest to be exact. I was just going to go up there for a nice bit of afternoon music and maybe a drink or two but things got a bit derailed. I knew my friend was going to be up there and so invited her and her boyfriend to my place for a couple of nice drinks and some conversation before heading up to see some music. They obliged and we quickly got to drinking a concoction of mine called Apple Pie Hooch. It involves apple cider, some cinnamon along with other ingredients and a liter of Everclear. Not the pussy Everclear that they sell in Minnesota either. No. This stuff came from Wisconsin, was 195 proof, could burn the hair from your nostrils by sniffing it, and probably melt metal. So we ended up drinking far too much of that to start with (plus there may have been some vodka mixed in as well.) All in all, a great start to this day.

We ventured up to the show after a bit and rightly ended up inside Tiger Sushi. I had seen that they had a sign advertising some nice specials (drink specials) and so we sidled up the bar for more conversation and drinks. At this point, I should mention that they ordered sushi (which I despise) and that I had not eaten a very large lunch, and after working out in the morning, it was more than likely already absorbed by my body. Therefore, I was basically drinking on an empty stomach.

Not good.

After a drink more and them finishing their disgusting rice-wrapped horribleness, we went and watched Haley Bonar. Truthfully, I can’t tell you what she sang, or what it sounded like, but if I had to venture a guess, I would say it was okay. Nothing great, nothing horrible. But then again, I can’t recall. After her songs, we ventured toward Cause. Now, on the way to Cause is Galactic Pizza. They were selling slices for $2.25 and I distinctly remember pointing out that I should get one or a couple so I could have something to eat from this place which I had heard much about, but never tried out. However, for some unknown reason, we ventured on past the superhero pizza parlor to Cause, which, if you didn’t know, serves much more booze than they do food. So, having not eaten, and passing up what I hear is deliciously amazing pizza, we got more drinks at Cause.

At this point, it was about 4:00 in the afternoon or thereabouts. Time gets a little sketchy after this but bear with me. We found a booth and I proceeded to get us all shots of whiskey. Now, for whatever reason, and against my better judgment (probably still stemming from the fact that I was already buzzed quite hard and had no food in me) I ended up making them all double shots.

Not Good.

I can say though that the day was going well up to this point, we were all having fun, and then the boyfriend fell asleep in the booth. I remember this because he was slumped over and every so often would wake up, jolt his left arm out and knock over the beer bottles that were on the table onto the floor. This caused much merriment for me and my friend and probably much less so for the Cause staff. At one point he woke up, said “We should get shots of vodka” and then fell back to sleep. After I stupidly got those shots of vodka, he would then periodically wake up and continue to knock the bottles to the floor. After the third time or so, one of the Cause bouncers or door workers or whatever, came over, picked him up and dragged him outside. Me and my friend decided that it was then about time to stumble out of there.

We found him slumped against a wall like a little siesta-ing Mexican child and proceeded to pick him up and try and carry him off. Now, I mentioned earlier that time gets sketchy, and from here on out, it gets really bad.

For example: Time passes here that I don’t recall.

The next thing I can recall is falling down near a fence that must have been near the Greenway. The boyfriend was nowhere to be found and it was just me and my friend stumbling around. I have no clue how we got there or where we were going, but I remember falling on my back. She was then grabbed as I tried to steady myself and we both fell on the ground and rolled around a bit. We must have done that as I have rips on the front of my jeans, despite the fact I fell backward. At this point, she started yelling “YOU BROKE MY FUCKING TOOTH!!” over and over again. I found this odd because I didn’t hit anyone, nor do I remember pulling anyone down to break my fall. Also, she somehow landed perfectly on her tooth, and didn’t scratch up her face at all on the ground. It’s like her tooth broke her fall. However, after we managed to get up, I checked her mouth out and sure enough, one of her teeth was chipped. Pretty badly actually. Smiling made her look like a deranged yokel just come out the swamp. However, she was not smiling at that point, and actually yelling at me quite a lot. This did not make me feel all that great, so I followed her back to her apartment, which I have no clue how we managed in our states, both of us yelling at each other. Her at me because of the tooth, and me at her for how sorry I was. I’m fairly sure that many, many people witnessed this, but left us to our own devices because there was a lot of swervage and general drunkenness going on.

Time passes here that I don’t recall.

Back at her apartment, I immediately fell on the floor by her couch, felt my head swim in a way I never have before, and puked up all the liquidy contents of my stomach. It was gross. Very gross. And awfully smelly. But it was all liquid. I’m pretty sure she gave me a bucket or a plant pot or something to continue to puke in, but if I used it or not I have no clue. At this point, she continued to yell at me, but for me to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY (her) APARTMENT!” However, I countered with, “I would, but I seriously cannot stand up.”

Time passes here that I don’t recall.

Her mother shows up. Now I’m really getting yelled at. And it’s dusk outside. And I don’t have my glasses on. And her mom is still yelling at me to get the hell up and out. And to clean up my mess. Someone throws paper towels on me. I sit up. I clean up my mess as best I could. I look around at the couch, see my glasses, put them on and stumbled out.

Time passes here that I don’t recall.

I’m now sitting on a bus stop bench near Red’s Savoy Pizza. A bus is approaching. I shake my head to politely indicate that I am not interested in the bus. I see her and her mom at the stoplight in her red Jaguar. They drive away. I fall asleep.

Time passes here that I don’t recall.

I am getting up and heading south toward my apartment. I reach down into my pockets and find no phone, wallet or keys to said apartment. I am fucked.

Time passes here that I don’t recall.

I figure that I am near a laundromat that my friend’s parents own and get the amazing idea to have them call him. I stumble in smelling of puke and looking like fucking shit. I plead with them to call my friend. “I used to work with him,” I drunkenly slur. “Please can you call him. I have no keys or phone or wallet and I can’t get home.” They call. I sit down at a table and promptly fall asleep.

Time passes as I sleep.

I am awoken by my friend. It is now dark out. I immediately puke on the table and on my arm. He shakes his head and quickly ushers me into the bathroom where I puke some more. I stumble back out of the bathroom after wiping my arm and splashing water on my face. It hurts to have my eyes open, but I must carry on. It is now fully dark out (maybe 10:00 or so) and I take out the trash for them because I also puked in that on my way to the bathroom. My friend just looks at me and shakes his head. His dad comes out of the laundromat and they have a short conversation in Hmong. The gist of it is, “Your friend had fun, but don’t let him do this again. Too much fun is no fun.” I tell him that I need a place to stay as I have no keys, phone or wallet and he says that he has a job interview in the morning and that I can’t stay at his place. It leaves me with no other choice but to call my dad. My dad understands (probably more well than I know) the situation and my friend drives me over there. I end up staying up in a haze eating cereal with spoonfuls of peanut butter until about 12:30 in the morning and then going to bed.

Monday hits me like a freight train. I email my friend to ask whether she is all right and if my phone, wallet and keys are at her place because I can’t find them, nor do I recall what I did with them. This was at 10:00 in the morning. Since I haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours, we decided to go to Perkins and get some sort of food in me. Only Denny’s would be a better/worse choice, but Woodbury doesn’t have a Denny’s that is as close as the Perkins is to my dad’s house, so we go there and I order pancakes because they sound like the most delicious thing on the planet and will hopefully soak up some of the alcohol that is still swimming around in my bloodstream. As this is the worst hangover of my life to this point, I order the full meal deal. Eggs, pancakes, hash browns and bacon. I have no clue why I ordered what I did, but it sounded good at the time. The water tastes like I imagine heaven to taste. The pancakes were amazing to be honest, but I couldn’t eat all of them as I still felt like puking because of my raging headache. We went home and I took a nap.

At this point, I was checking my email every hour or so. I knew that her mother took her to her house in Elk River, so there was no point in thinking that she was going to be at her apartment anyway. I finally heard back around 7:00 that night that she would check on my stuff the next day when she got back. Since there was nothing to be done about that, I called my phone, figured that if no one was answering it it must be in her apartment because the ringer was on, and left it at that. So another night was spent in Woodbury.

On Tuesday I got an email saying all my stuff was there. Thank god for that. When I got them back, the phone was a bit dirty from some puke, but all was safe. Apparently, the phone, wallet and keys were on her computer desk, which may or may not be odd considering I have no recollection of going near her computer, or actually of taking any of them out of my pockets. I figured that all was over and done with and that I could actually get back to being normal when I got a call from the mother. Holy shit was she pissed. I sat there and took the verbal beating about teeth and the destruction that was caused and all of the things that need to be done and repaired. What else could I do? So after about 15 minutes of that, we said our polite goodbyes and have moved on.

If I were to take anything away from all this, and I have, it is that limiting drinks is a very good plan, drinking on a full stomach is heavily advised, Perkins is not the greatest thing ever for a major hangover (probably try Denny’s next time) and that mothers get really upset when you chip their favorite daughter’s perfect teeth.

Art Cars at Lyn-Lake Street Fest

Art Cars at Lyn-Lake Street Fest

Haley Bonar at Lyn-Lake Fest

Haley Bonar at Lyn-Lake Fest

Haley Bonar at Lyn-Lake Fest

Haley Bonar at Lyn-Lake Fest

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